Less-Silent Poem (2026)

The bright balloon floated in today. It was stuck under an end table, shielding itself from dust.

It's odd. I had deflated it almost to extinction myself, bit by tiny bit. Lord knows you have to respect helium these days.

But the problem is, every time I opened up its little--how else to describe that puckery hole--to let some air out, when helium escaped, more must have gotten back in.

I've noticed my voice sounding funnier around the house. I thought it could have been my popcorn lung? Turns out there's a sizable helium reserve trapped beneath my apartment building, and it's making its prison escape via my HVAC. It's less noble but more sensible than the sewage system--it's monatomic gas, not Tim Robbins. Casting called back methane for that film.

"Imagine planning your entire wedding but looking forward more than anything to greeting & seeing a particular guest," the balloon whined in helium timbre, like when you tug at any inflated balloon's loosened sphincter. I stared at my face in its rubbery reflection, and I wanted to pop.

"And then on the day, you shit yourself?" The balloon let out a flatulent spurt of air and then sucked something back in, like a whoo. It ascended slightly.

"My mask itched!" I hurled at the balloon through the helium, pointing toward Laika and the moon rug in the bathroom. I spun a 45 of Jean-Luc Ponty to drown out this asshole. It was transposed a good 17 whole steps up. Everyone knows violin grates in the upper register; this could also just be me.

"No excuse--your manners are chopped," balloon emitted, floating toward the mask hanging in the bathroom. "Bombastic side-eye."

"God, you're a treat," I followed, my eyes narrowing. "Dropping brain rot, what are you, ten?"

"Old as you," balloon jabbed. I saw my eyes get smaller in the rubber. "Dirt-old."

"Nice to meet you, Lamer. I'm Lame."

The balloon floated slowly back towards me, stopping just before my nose.

"I am you."

I blew it back a few centimeters. It returned, closer, and let out a helium emission that shook the walls.

"Your neighbors will know that's you."

"Good. Let them fear me."

I started a staredown with myself in this balloon, which lasted until my contacts curled.

"You know I'm moving out of this place."

"Right, and in with the 'rents." The balloon rubbed itself on my hair until it stuck to my head. "El-lame-ohhh."

"I'm not putting a balloon in my car," I said. I drew my penknife from my pocket. "It's a waste of space."

"You wouldn't."

"Oh. I must."

The balloon started floating around, seeking an exit that didn't exist. Jean-Luc Ponty tickled the heavens on his cat-guts.

I stalked the balloon slowly, elbow up, like Mike Myers. Michael Meyers? The worse one. No, the one with the mask.

"For being me, you sure don't know something about me," I smiled. My hair followed the balloon closely in tendrils.

The balloon squeezed itself behind the cat tower, squeaking cacophonously.

"I take a social dookie every day, motherfucker. Since the day I was done born, I was bohhrrrrn to shit." I clicked my pen knife, grinning maniacally.

"There's a remedy for that. God made me awkward, but I made me goofy as hell. And Iiii like it!" I stowed the knife and leapt at the cat tower, clinging to it on all fours. It wobbled furiously, and my two cats sprang off in a blur. The balloon took some hits from one of the perches, but it basically kept shitting helium and sucking more in, rising higher and higher.

"Remember that one time the school flooded, and I slipped in my Chucks and fell on my rear end in front of the entire student union?"

"Of course, you numpty."

"I got up, did a lunge, put my fingers to the sky, and I went...Superstahhhhh."

"And nobody laughed."

"Nobody laughed, and it was fucking hilarious."

The balloon started emitting air, but the post-emission sphincter-gulping had ended.

"And remember that one year I was proctoring the ACT, and I fell off the rolling desk chair because I was vibing by myself and testing my balance because we're not allowed to do literally anything else?"

The balloon let out a sad squeak.

"Well, that entire room of 150 kids was staring, and I got up, did a lunge, put my fingers to the sky and went...Superstahhhhh."

The balloon started sinking against the wall. It was losing altitude fast.

"A few kids laughed, but I think it was more the fall than the recovery aspect. Still a small victory."

Another sound, but more of a raspberry. Flblblblblb.

"Being awkward sucks, but you can make the best out of it for yourself. You know?"

Flblblbbl.

"I said the quiet part out loud, didn't I." I put my hands on my hips and laughed at the sky.